H&I are not very keen on kids on most days.  I have actually never wanted one and only started to ponder these two years.  We dislike complication, stress, worries, budgeting, childbirth, raising, playing and teaching, and the lack of freedom.  We dislike spending extra money and time and effort, bringing kids to the doctors and doing kids activities and going thru school again.  We dislike having the added restrictions in life and carbon footprint for a not-very-smart nor grateful person who created.  We would much rather spend the time investing on ourselves, enjoying our friends, our vacation, and giving a lot of money to charity when we die.

That said, we cannot say that we cannot afford financially to have one.  We cannot say that we will not want one one day.   We cannot say that we will not change when you have the baby and it is a stage in life.  We are ok to have 0 or 1 kid.  If it happens this year, it is meant to be.  I find it difficult to actively avoid having a child.  The irony of life.  You can be viewed as selfish or having made the wrong decision either way.  Perhaps I will escape from these accusations by saying, it's god's will one day.

Either way, I love playing with names:

Kitty: Dracula (black) / Arielle / Baron (orange)

I have been very lazy these few years. I am sleepy all the time and I struggle waking up for work. Punctuality has became a problem. I rarely do things without a push and I don't enjoy doing anything. I have this constant feeling of being unsettled.. whether it is at work when socializing, or in general when I am walking alone. It is quite pathetic and I am not sure how I can live on our own 80% of the time for the next 50, 70 years.

After hanging out with my friends last night and watch a Grant Cardone video, I had a few revelations and decided to make a few amends.

I need to see a doctor.
It is essential I find life interesting and only occupy myself with positive thinking.
I need to sleep before 12am no matter what.
Good presentation and relationships.
Career move.
Exercise 3 hrs a week and 10 pounds lighter
Devote to research and manage investments

When you think of your stages in life, do you use the people you are with, or the country, or job, or status in life etc.? Me, I use the cities/houses I was staying in. I guess it just splits my life stages into digestible chunks.

Looking at the Ottawa house, it seems like ages ago. Two HK houses (12) - childhood, the Vancouver house (11) - student life and youth, the few Ottawa houses (5) signifies independence and peace, Hk tiny house is freedom and still youth, HK house looking out to the greens right now, I feel so old, matured and settled. Am I still seeking independence? I don't crave it anymore. Sometimes I want to have that constant in life, which I used to be scared of.

I am sure that one day in another house, I will think that the HK house looking out to the greens, lived a woman who was naive and young, seeking what she is seeking... but right now I feel that I don't really have that thing to seek because everything can be gotten at home.

Hong Kong is so fun.  How can I leave this place?  Can I live in both Vancouver and Hong Kong?  Let me continue to read the 4 hour work week book once I get back to Vancouver.

Bad day..

"問世間情是何物" - 既有歡樂的團聚，又有離別的辛酸。

這裡團聚不會少了我而少了歡樂，也沒怎離別的辛酸。(I wouldn't want it any other way... but...)

好朋友是有的﹐多朋友是錯覺。

認為能交心的﹐會歡樂辛酸的﹐lifelong的﹐一個個令我心淡。

這五年我爭取了什麼﹖ 儲左錢買左喔拍左拖米係accomplishments lor.

路走錯了吧﹖ 需要的都爭取了嗎?

交心真誠是我的性格﹐ 對朋友永遠寧人負我﹐我不負人。 禮讓不犯人。。。

只怪臉皮薄不夠進取也是我的本性﹐人越大越不積極 (懶)﹐人越來越怪吧。。。

可能朋友根本就不會交得那麼深﹐ 但"交深最後只是另一半"我不讚同。

可能我媽以前預料得對﹐我沒人愛﹐所以到處找人愛﹐一時多情而已。

三十前已經這麼難走。。。今年我要積極進取點﹐清楚自己要的生活﹐為三十後打算一下。

There is a thick, defined line between trashy music promoting "trashy" women and music inspiring or celebrating independent women.  Then far from the two, there is the lethal, seductive villain (femme fatale).  You really see the evolution in Britney's albums - Sweet, seductive, independent, attitude, promicuous, trashy.  Unfortunately, that's what the post-90's kids like to hear.  Kids, independence certainly does not mean promiscuity, and promiscuity does not necessarily mean trashy either.  Unfortunately, the two are always directly linked throughout history.  Is the idea of having some class and self-respect passe again?  An album with no melody but moans and a woman rolling around begging for sex to Jack, Joe and Jill will certainly sell - mostly to young women too.

"If it is too loud, you are too old", eh?  To each its own.

一個人知道自己為甚麼而活﹐就可以忍受任何一種生活。

When a person knows what he is living for, he can endure any kind of hardship.

What if he is living for comfort?   What if he is living for happiness but he needs to endure frustrations and sadness and heartbreaks and failures when he is not even sure whether happiness can be pursued after all the sufferings?  What is worth 'any kind of hardship?'  It sounds altruistic. 

What do people endure hardship for besides providing for loved ones?

What kind of achievements?  What kind of hope?  What abstract dreams?  The greater good?

Beautiful Girl
Beautiful Heart
The two don't always go together
Neither, necessarily apart

A beautiful girl
You might come across every day
and you might feel an attraction
We're wired that way

But in time you know
what others eventually learn
It's a beautiful heart
that's better to earn

Because beauty only goes so far
and is skin deep
But a beautiful heart
is forever to keep

And long after beauty has faded
she'll likely remain jaded
Vanity in its place remains
seeking approval and gains

But a beautiful heart
grows in its grace
and gracefulness is its own beauty
and puts a smile on your face

When you see the eyes
and you look deep inside
you can see many things
that some may hide

A beautiful heart
is so hard to find
Treasure above priceless art
Inspire me to be kind

One special girl
will remind you of both
Beauty and a beautiful heart
and you'll gravitate to her from the start

She'll play on your soul
and she'll stay gentle on your mind
and you find yourself dreaming
'I wish somehow she was mine'

But of the two if you could so choose
a bet on which you can never lose
Choose the beautiful heart
Because that heart will melt away your blues

A beautiful heart will increase your joy
and increase your hope
and make you feel like a man
More than just a toy

If you find a girl with a beautiful heart
Give her love from the very start
Treat her kind and with dignity and care
and for you, she'll always be there

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A person's disposition and personality are pre-determined genetically.  I remember a lot of preferences and thinking, I already have when I was 5 or 6.  That's why people say, parents know their children best.  The things that you can change a person after birth, is their thinking and what they are used to.  I look at people in Ottawa, they have been educated in a certain way that most people are nice and considerate, fair.. That is achieved by shaping their thinking, and their environment.  To me, thinking including core beliefs, are affected by external factors.

可以輸, 但是不可以放棄...  I can lose, but I cannot give up. 

I am known to be easy going, to go with the flow... If I am uptight,  it has to be on something that would royally screw me over.. but people here thinks that I should chill.  Gawd wait till they go to an Alpha city.  Then there is this girl who dated a Lexus owner and was called a gold digger.  He said he drives a luxury car too - a Camry.  I told him I grew up in these cars too and also half the chinese population drives Lexus and Benz and Beamers in Vancouver and not to mention Hong Kong.  Many people here are also extremely frugal and insular even if they earn a decent salary.  Of course, vanity, capitalism, lawyers, are also widely hated.  I am also known as unvain and unmaterialistic, nope the opposite here.  I don't think materialism make a whole lot of sense either, but owning a Coach bag does not equal high-maintenance.  Noone even uses Coach in big cities.  If I ever tell them my city life, they will think that I am crazy or am lying.  I felt so good in Toronto last weekend with like-minded people.  Man if everyone has the Ottawan mindset, the country will be in flames.  I enjoy being in a city where beauty, a drive, worldliness and things that define who I am to be appreciated instead of hated.  Clearly, it is a duck speaking to a colony of penguins in Antartica.  Clearly, I will never be able to totally blend in unless I go through a massive brainwash session.  Ottawa is screwing with my head.  I have been living on my own for 2 weeks, and I have already developed a new found hate to the night and day cultures.  How could I have lived here for 4.5 years?  

I do like the family-oriented culture and nice people here.  I'll bring that with me, but I am NOT going to go through this massive brainwash and subscribe to their set of mentality to basically hate myself.  I am NOT going to forget about the past, what I am able to do, change my lifestyles and live a tougher life than required.  I am not THAT stupid. ARGHH. 

Waited for HR for 2 weeks, and she referred me to another person.  I am asking to get onto the list to be transferred to my homecity.  In the meanwhile, I will take a year off.  I just don't know where and whether I should go to the city to look for a job, or get a job before moving.  It is a lot easier to find something when you are in the city - networking.  I know how hard and how slim the chances are when I just send in my resume like the other 1000 applicants.

OK now, time to be happy!  happy!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

好煩。。走還不走。。 想走但要工。。 自己要 go out less to 找工作。。 但要找到就要quit jor and then network in that city... Friend's sis in law got CNS problems because of brain over-exhaustion she couldn't decide on where to live for 4 months.  Sometimes, I feel that I can't concentrate and think because my brain just shuts down.  Alone here, and eligible to take 一年 leave.. 那多-好多工﹐溫-要等政府﹐美-好多但沒人﹐香-短期嗎﹖。。。 現在 transition is over, 要到處打聽了。。

小時候，幸福是一件簡單的事
長大了，簡單是一件幸福的事